“Twilight” in 25 Tweets

After summarizing the first five chapters of Twilight on Twitter, I was asked to continue. I decided to take it as a challenge in order to help me get through the book: summarize each of Twilight‘s 25 chapters in one tweet (140 characters or less). It… really wasn’t as hard as I thought it’d be.

Chapter one: Bella, honey, quit whining and get over yourself.

Chapter two: Edward disappears. Bella mopes, so nothing new there. Also, Forks sucks.

Chapter three: Bella is clumsy. Yes, we get that already! Can I join Team Tyler’s Van? Also, Forks sucks.

Chapter four: Bella’s been in town 2-3? weeks, and that Cullen kid is already telling her what to do. Does not bode well. Also, Forks sucks.

Chapter five: Bella is clumsy AND faints at the sight of blood. Oh yeah, this relationship will last. Also, Forks sucks, but not as bad.

Ch. 6 — Jacob anticlimactically outs the Cullens as being vampires and has a thing for older women. Also, Bella is apparently a whore.

Ch. 7 — Bella has wet dream about Edward & reminds us she’s read every classical book ever. Also, her computer seems to have a virus.

Ch. 8 — Cliched near-rape/rescue. Bella thinks it perfectly normal Edward stalking her (and reading minds). Eddy dazzles. Also, Coke plug!

Ch. 9-Eddy gives rundown on being a faux vamp. PETA wouldn’t approve. Bella has to change panties after Eddy breathes on her. Also, twu luv.

Ch. 10-Eddy grills Bella on her likes/dislikes. For 22 pgs. Kill me now. Eddy is now Bella’s sugar daddy. Also, bear hunting not in season.

Ch. 11-Eddy and Bell turned on by Bio film. Spend afternoon in his car doing eye porn. Jacob shows up for dinner. Also, ‘inescapable jeans.’

Ch. 12-Bell serves menfolk dinner. Cold-meds herself into sleep. Eddy takes clumsiest gal in Forks hiking. Also, sunshine: butter or Parkay?

Ch.13-Eddy *sparkles* and compares Bella to heroin. Nice. Didn’t even get to 2nd base. Bella is horny. More eye porn. Also, adjective abuse.

Ch.14-B doesn’t find it creepy that E’s been in her room every night. Asks about vampsex. Too harmful for humans. Also, still no foreplay.

Ch.15-Ed takes Bella to meet the fam; backstory on the Cullens. Most interesting chapter yet, but comes too late. Also, lame foreshadowing.

Ch.16-Carlisle’s story. Held my attention for all of 8 pgs. E&B cuddle in E’s room. Alice dances. Everywhere. Also, baseball. Still no plot.

Ch.17-Meet the parents continues. Vampire baseball ain’t yo mama’s baseball. Alice dances some more. Also, Bella’s hair hides her B.O.

Ch.18-After 380 pages, PLOT! Vamp trio arrive and surprise! (not) one of them wants Bella. To eat. If only. Also, I’m now Team James.

Ch.19-Bella totally wails on her dad as a cover to run & hide. (And he TAKES IT! WTF?) Lovers part. Also, Bella is now carried everywhere.

Ch.20-Bella describes in detail stuff she can’t remember. Yeah, this chapter lost me. Hiding out with Cullens w/o Eddy. Also, 75 pgs to go!

Ch.21-James lays out his evil plot: Simon Says-ing B to death. Lures her away. B leaves ‘Dear John’ letter for Eddy. Also, still Team James.

Ch.22-James v. Bella, round 1 FIGHT! James breaks villain rule #1: talking too much. Bella bleeds. Also, Alice’s story way more interesting.

Ch.23-Plot OVER! Lasted 70 pages. Didn’t even get fight scene due to B passing out. Eddy sucks out vamp poison. 😦 Also, Bella’s lips MIA.

Ch.24-B’s cover story for injuries? “I’m clumsy.” Wants to go back to Forks which I guess doesn’t suck anymore. Also, Renee is a cougar.

Ep.-Eddy takes B to prom. B pissed because she wants to be a vampire, not a prom date. Also, Jacob has a growth mutation. THE END (if only.)

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1 Comment

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One response to ““Twilight” in 25 Tweets

  1. Pingback: “Eclipse” in 28 1/2 tweets « Small Town Girl

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