“New Moon” in Twenty-five, er, -six Tweets

New Moon Ch. 1-Bella emos over being 18. Paper cut sends vamps into blood frenzy (though being thrown into a mirror in last book didn’t).

Ch. 2-Boring backstory. Bella blames herself for being so scrumdiddlyumptious. Eddy is moody (but perfect). What could possibly happen next?

Ch. 3-Eddy dumps Bella. Too bad the book doesn’t end here. Bella curls up in the mud for HOURS. Oh, honestly, honey. Grow a spine.

Interlude: October, November, December, January. Arguably SMeyer’s best writing to date.

Ch. 4-Bella is still emo. Big shock. Goes to see movie with Jess, but ignores her. Takes 7 pgs to walk across street just to hear E’s voice.

Ch. 5-B is still emo. Shocking. Gets a motorcyle with a plan to be reckless. Takes it to Jacob to fix. J’s mutant growth pattern continues.

Ch. 6-B slightly less emo. Begins slutting it up to Jake. B upset that her friends are ignoring her. Gee, wonder why. Bears roam the woods.

Ch.7-B still empty. Duh. Bikes are done. J worries Sam might be a cult leader. Or a pedo. Bella consoles but thinks cliff diving = way cool.

Ch.8-B finds that attempted suicide = Eddykin’s delicious voice. Jake give B his shirt when she falls off her bike. Shirt never seen again.

Ch.9-Bella, Jake and Mike go to the movies. Awkward. Mike gets sick. Bella gets sick. Jake gets sick and sprouts hair in odd places.

Ch.10-J doesn’t call. OMG! B hikes and finds meadow and evil vamp who wants to eat her. B doesn’t seem to mind. Big bad wolf saves the day.

Ch.11-J still hasn’t called. OMG! Only logical reason=he’s joined a cult. J cuts his hair off, tells B to beat it. B emos herself to sleep.

CH.12-J is all, “Psych!” Drops bolder-sized hints on being wolfy. B doesn’t get it until she dreams it. OMG! Werewolf! OMG! They’re killers!

Ch.13-Ok, so, not killers. Unless you’re a vamp. B realizes evil female vamp looking for some payback. J takes B to meet the Shirtless Cult.

Ch.14-Shirtless Cult not happy to see Bella. J fursplodes on one of them. Now wearing less clothing. B meets Emily, Sam’s fiancee/chew toy.

Ch.15-B misses E’s voice. Decides to go cliff jumping without J. Jumping is easy. Swimming, not so much. Eddy’s voice is all, “Told you so.”

Ch.16-J saves B. Dammit. New Moon=Romeo+Juliet, only without all the dying. Dammit. J smells vamp. Bella knows vamp’s car. Could it be Eddy?

CH.17-Is not Eddy, is Alice checking up to see if B had drowned. Charlie makes funeral arrangements for Harry. Jake all pissed over Alice.

Ch.18-Jake tells Eddy Charlie is at ‘the funeral.’ Eddy heads to Italy to commit death by Volturi. Bella leaves with Alice to the rescue!

Ch.19-On the plane, Alice “sees” that of all the ways to piss off Volturi, Eddy has chosen “death by sparkling.” I can’t make this crap up.

Ch.20-Bella skips through Italian fountain to stop E from sparkling in palazzo. B no longer feels like Swiss cheese! B&E taken to Volturi.

Ch.21-Aro can’t read B’s mind either (she doesn’t have one!) B must be made vamp or eaten. Alice foresees vamp. American tourists are tasty.

Ch.22-B glad to have Eddy back (and her toothbrush). Fly back to Forks. Charlie pissed. Bella faints. Again. Eddy carries B to her room.

Ch.23-B can’t live without E. E can’t live without B. B wants to be sparkly, but E says Volturi won’t check til she’s 30. You know, old. :\

Ch.24-Cullens vote on B becoming vamp. Majority rules, but B has to marry E first. Screw college. Gives Charlie ultimatum about Eddy. Wimp.

Ep.-Jake tries to talk sense into Bella. Bella tells Jake she’s just not that into him. Jake warns Eddy against biting. THE END (only, not)

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3 Comments

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3 responses to ““New Moon” in Twenty-five, er, -six Tweets

  1. Krista

    I heart you just a little bit for this. It’s hilarious. And true. But I love E & B anyway. Please, please tell me you’re doing this for Eclipse and Breaking Dawn, too. Cause I can’t wait to read them!!!

  2. Pingback: “Eclipse” in 28 1/2 tweets « Small Town Girl

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