New Moon Ch. 1-Bella emos over being 18. Paper cut sends vamps into blood frenzy (though being thrown into a mirror in last book didn’t).
Ch. 2-Boring backstory. Bella blames herself for being so scrumdiddlyumptious. Eddy is moody (but perfect). What could possibly happen next?
Ch. 3-Eddy dumps Bella. Too bad the book doesn’t end here. Bella curls up in the mud for HOURS. Oh, honestly, honey. Grow a spine.
Interlude: October, November, December, January. Arguably SMeyer’s best writing to date.
Ch. 4-Bella is still emo. Big shock. Goes to see movie with Jess, but ignores her. Takes 7 pgs to walk across street just to hear E’s voice.
Ch. 5-B is still emo. Shocking. Gets a motorcyle with a plan to be reckless. Takes it to Jacob to fix. J’s mutant growth pattern continues.
Ch. 6-B slightly less emo. Begins slutting it up to Jake. B upset that her friends are ignoring her. Gee, wonder why. Bears roam the woods.
Ch.7-B still empty. Duh. Bikes are done. J worries Sam might be a cult leader. Or a pedo. Bella consoles but thinks cliff diving = way cool.
Ch.8-B finds that attempted suicide = Eddykin’s delicious voice. Jake give B his shirt when she falls off her bike. Shirt never seen again.
Ch.9-Bella, Jake and Mike go to the movies. Awkward. Mike gets sick. Bella gets sick. Jake gets sick and sprouts hair in odd places.
Ch.10-J doesn’t call. OMG! B hikes and finds meadow and evil vamp who wants to eat her. B doesn’t seem to mind. Big bad wolf saves the day.
Ch.11-J still hasn’t called. OMG! Only logical reason=he’s joined a cult. J cuts his hair off, tells B to beat it. B emos herself to sleep.
CH.12-J is all, “Psych!” Drops bolder-sized hints on being wolfy. B doesn’t get it until she dreams it. OMG! Werewolf! OMG! They’re killers!
Ch.13-Ok, so, not killers. Unless you’re a vamp. B realizes evil female vamp looking for some payback. J takes B to meet the Shirtless Cult.
Ch.14-Shirtless Cult not happy to see Bella. J fursplodes on one of them. Now wearing less clothing. B meets Emily, Sam’s fiancee/chew toy.
Ch.15-B misses E’s voice. Decides to go cliff jumping without J. Jumping is easy. Swimming, not so much. Eddy’s voice is all, “Told you so.”
Ch.16-J saves B. Dammit. New Moon=Romeo+Juliet, only without all the dying. Dammit. J smells vamp. Bella knows vamp’s car. Could it be Eddy?
CH.17-Is not Eddy, is Alice checking up to see if B had drowned. Charlie makes funeral arrangements for Harry. Jake all pissed over Alice.
Ch.18-Jake tells Eddy Charlie is at ‘the funeral.’ Eddy heads to Italy to commit death by Volturi. Bella leaves with Alice to the rescue!
Ch.19-On the plane, Alice “sees” that of all the ways to piss off Volturi, Eddy has chosen “death by sparkling.” I can’t make this crap up.
Ch.20-Bella skips through Italian fountain to stop E from sparkling in palazzo. B no longer feels like Swiss cheese! B&E taken to Volturi.
Ch.21-Aro can’t read B’s mind either (she doesn’t have one!) B must be made vamp or eaten. Alice foresees vamp. American tourists are tasty.
Ch.22-B glad to have Eddy back (and her toothbrush). Fly back to Forks. Charlie pissed. Bella faints. Again. Eddy carries B to her room.
Ch.23-B can’t live without E. E can’t live without B. B wants to be sparkly, but E says Volturi won’t check til she’s 30. You know, old.
Ch.24-Cullens vote on B becoming vamp. Majority rules, but B has to marry E first. Screw college. Gives Charlie ultimatum about Eddy. Wimp.
Ep.-Jake tries to talk sense into Bella. Bella tells Jake she’s just not that into him. Jake warns Eddy against biting. THE END (only, not)