When bacon is fundamentally wrong

Since my mother wasn’t born or raised in the United States, she often gets a yearning for food stuffs from her homeland of Australia. In this day and age, many of her favorites are readily available on the Internet. However, seeing as how she doesn’t even know where the power button is on the computer, I am recruited to order her Aussie noms for her.

Wednesday I came to work, catalogue in hand, to order several packages of crumpets from The Vermont Country Store. I was in the middle of placing the order when I noticed an item on the same page that made me stop what I was doing and wonder about the strangeness of the universe.

Would you eat bacon from a can?

Bacon in a can.

I love bacon. Crispy, bubbly hot bacon makes nearly anything taste better. Salads. Baked potatoes. Pancakes. You can enjoy a tasty BLT without the B.

But… bacon in a can?

The world doesn’t make sense anymore.

Now, perhaps there are folks in different areas of the U.S. wondering why I find bacon in a can so strange. Maybe bacon in a can is a staple in New England or out West. I don’t know. All I know is that I get my bacon from the grocery store uncooked in plastic packaging.

Not fully cooked bacon in a can.

I’m also not knocking things that come in cans. Some of my favorite foods come in cans. Early peas. Beef and barley soup. Diet Mt. Dew. Beanie Weenies (don’t judge). But… not bacon.

According to the catalogue, the bacon in a can contains “48 slices of fully cooked, lightly smoked bacon (no bits or end pieces)—the equivalent of 3 lbs. of raw bacon. … Keep in the pantry for when a storm—or company—is on the horizon.” And you can purchase this 9 oz. can of 3 lbs. of bacon for only $19.95.

There are many fundamentally wrong things in this world. And I think bacon in a can is one of them.

What’s next? Aerosol bacon?

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