Continuing my “Twilight, Tweeted” saga, I present “Eclipse” in 28 1/2 tweets.
Ch.1-Jake is emo, Eddy is still perfect and Charlie is a pussy. Bella got into Alaska U! But doesn’t want to go or have any future at all!
Ch.2-Alice sees stuff, Eddy keeps secrets and takes apart B’s truck so she can’t see Jake. NO, NOT CREEPY AT ALL! B’s dad attempts The Talk.
Ch.3-Jake hates Eddy. Eddy hate Jake. We get it already. Is this going to be the whole book, because all this crap was in the first two.
Ch.4-B proves she’s nuts by talking to Cheerios & magnets. Makes a daring escape to see Jake who’s pissed she still like Eddy. Kill me now.
Ch.5-Jake has been SORASed from 16 to 25, Sam imprinted on Emily (huh?) and B whines because she’s ancient at 18 and is aging every day OMG!
Ch.6- J hates E. E hates J. B is Switzerland, which makes sense since her mind is like their cheese. B is kidnapped to keep her from J. D:
Ch.7-Rosie tries to tell B to stay human because being a vamp is so emo (B’s not already?). Rosie is jealous because E like B who’s not hot.
Ch.8-Quil has the hots for a 2-year-old AND THIS IS WHERE I HAD TO STOP READING FOR A WHILE BECAUSE OMGWTF EW!
Ch.8-(cont.) B escapes to see J & tells him she only has weeks to live. He would rather see her dead. E is suddenly fine with her seeing J.
Ch.9-Someone’s been sleeping in B’s bed (& it’s not E or J). E & J call truce to try to figure out who’s stalking B (besides themselves).
Ch.10-Jake comes over but not before E give B some vamp BO. B gets into Dartmouth (seriously?!) and E “allows” B hang out with J. The hell?
Ch.11-Long-ass chapter with boring-ass tribe legends which Bella of course compares herself to because it’s all about Bella all the time.
Ch.12-Dear SMeyer, perhaps you should read some real news articles to see how it’s done. More arguing about marriage vs. vampirism.
Ch.13-Jasper’s long, confusing backstory about newbie vamp armies which is what’s happening in Seattle. Someone may die fighting. Oh noes!
Ch.14-Jacob reveals his second big secret. He loves Bella! Totally didn’t see that coming. 327 pages down and NOTHING HAS HAPPENED YET.
Ch.15-B’s dad has no problem with Jake forcing his lips onto B, or the fact she broke her hand punching him. E & J still hate each other.
Ch.16-Graduation day. B in some twisted logic that only makes sense because everything is about her realizes newbie vamps are after her.
Ch.17-Jake crashes the graduation party. Agrees to work with the vamps to protect Bella. Dammit. Wanted to see an Eddy/Jake throwdown.
Ch.18-SMeyer uses a lot of description the vamp/wolf training session without actually describing anything. A plan is formed. I think.
Ch.19-Totally pointless. Eddy and Jake are now BFFs. More training. B forgave E for leaving but keeps hanging it over his head. Skank.
Ch.20-Proof this book doesn’t make sense in any way. B wants sex. Eddy wants to wait. B agrees to marriage so she can get boned. WTF.
Ch.21-Eddy carries Bella. Jake carries Bella. I must have missed the part where she lost the use of her legs. More setup for upcoming “war.”
Ch.22-To create “sexual tension,” SMeyer gives us a snow storm in June so half-naked Jake can keep B warm while Eddy watches. Kinky.
Ch.23-Eddy deliberately lets it slip he and B are engaged which breaks J’s heart. B immediately blames herself because Eddy can do no wrong.
Ch.24-Evil vamp arrives. SMeyer can’t write fight scenes so we get lots of “dancing.” B tries to sacrifices herself. Sadly doesn’t work.
Ch.25-Fight over. Only one hurt is Jake. Of course. Volturi arrive just in time to… not do anything. Plot lasted all of one chapter.
Ch.26-B thinks she and Jake would make pretty babies but there’s just one problem. Eddy. Jake lets B go. No vamp/wolf fight after all. Sigh.
Ch.27-Chapter title is “Needs.” This book NEEDED to end about 200 pages ago. B and Eddy snog in the meadow. Is it over yet? I’m bored.
Ep.-Jacob’s point of view. He angsts. A lot. And um… that’s it. The end. Do I really have to read “Breaking Dawn”?