I suffer from depression. I don’t know how long I’ve had it, and I sometimes think I am not doing enough to combat it, but most of the time, I can get by. Medication helps a lot. But there are some days where not even that helps and I find myself crying for no reason. Which then pisses me off because so many people in this world have a real reason to cry and I feel like I should just put my big girl panties on and deal with it. But it’s hard. And crying, oddly enough, can make me feel better.
So when I read a book or watch a movie that makes me cry, it feels almost cathartic to let go and just let the tears fall. I don’t actively seek out books or movies that are sad. Just the opposite. I don’t like crying. My nose gets all stuffed up, my eyes turn red and itch, and my head will just hurt all over. But afterwards, when I put the book down or turn the movie off, and the tears have run their course, I just feel… better.
Last weekend I went to visit my brother in Chattanooga. We stopped by a discount book store after we ate and I picked up a book called “Snow Flower and the Secret Fan” by Lisa See. It is a very sad, moving book. I read it in less than a day and must have cried through the entire second half of the book.
Tonight, I watched The Lovely Bones. I had read the book by Alice Sebold last year and fell in love with it. I cried through the book. And even though the movie is different from the book, I cried through it, too. And now I have dried tears on my face and a headache, but I feel better right now than I have all day.
Sometimes I will fight crying so badly I make myself sick. I know I shouldn’t, but there are times when crying can be embarrassing, like at work or a gathering of friends. But when I’m alone, I give in, because I know I will feel comforted after having a good cry, like I’ve let all the stress and little resentments I’ve picked up during the day out with the sad story. But that still doesn’t mean I’ll be renting more sad movies.