Not that this news at all affects me, as I am neither Catholic nor religious, but Catholicism does fascinate me. Maybe I’ve read too many Dan Brown books, but Catholic rites and symbolism are something that have always interested me. Which is why I’m so looking forward to Conclave.
Granted, I know Conclave is pretty much a bunch of old, white men (with a few people of color thrown in for affirmative action) sitting around electing another old, white (probably) man to wear the funny pointed hat. But it’s still an interesting ritual to watch and see people react to.
However, I think maybe the Catholic church is ready for a little shake-up. That’s why I propose that I, a non-Catholic, non-religious woman, be elected your new pope. Pope Joan II, if you will.
Here’s what I would change in the first days of my reign:
1. No more pope-mobile bubble car. I wish for a pope horse-drawn Cinderella carriage.
2. Replace the pointy hat with a tiara. Because I look good in tiaras.
3. The blood and body of Christ will be replaced with tortillas and tequila. So people will want to go to Mass. Party!
4. Priests can marry. But they can only marry nuns. Think of the Bachelor/Bachelorette spinoffs!
5. Priest abusers will be dropped in an oubliette and forgotten. As a bonus, oubliettes come back into fashion.
6. Birth control. Need I say more?
7. Gay marriage. Ditto.
8. Living saints. Chosen Thunderdome style.
9. Free access to the Vatican archives. Because what if Dan Brown was right?
10. 40 days of Mardi Gras. Because Lent is just so self-serving.
I’m sure I could think of more, but this would get me through the first month I think.